The pain, stress, and frustration I feel is overwhelming.
I eat, I pray, I drink, I sleep, I take Prozac, I read, I listen to music, I walk, I pour my heart out to friends, yet the pain inside resides.
In church yesterday, I felt like a walking zombie. I didn't even want to go because I knew people would say, "Hey, how are you?" and I would have to answer. Answer with a lie or answer with a truth or answer with a non-descript "I'm here."
I felt like I was living a lie by walking/sitting with my husband when I am currently bitter toward him.
I had sent him an email while he was in Africa detailing my concerns about the need to retire--to which he responded that we would talk about it when he returned. I waited nearly a week after he got home from Africa (I was being sensitive to his jetlag) to remind him I wanted to talk. He made it clear that this conversation will be a pain in his side, that it was ANOTHER broken thing in his life that was falling apart and he had to fix. And so we haven't spoken of it since. I told him I had to make my employment decision by May 11 when I my contract was due. I rode in the car with him all the way to Ridgeway (45 min) and back Saturday and to church and back yesterday with absolutely no words between us. Cold as ICE. I reminded him that we still needed to talk. I'm getting the silent treatment from him. And my bitterness grows.
I feel like he thinks his needs and problems are move valid than my own. I feel that I am being taken advantage of. I feel I am not being effective at work, and it is causing me stress and pain, and yet, it is OK for him to quit his job under such circumstances, but it is not OK for me to do so. I'm bitter that he quit his job and changed the trajectory of our lives without consulting me first. Yes, I know it was 25 years ago, but I gave up 25 years of a good deal of comfort and convenience so he could pursue his dreams of farming full time. Now I feel I am faced with stress and am ready to sacrifice some comfort and convenience to not have to go back and spin my wheels and be abused at work. It is my turn. Dammit.
In my head, I know it isn't that simple. I know there are circumstances, responsibilities, and obligations to consider.
I went to church yesterday with a broken heart.
In Sunday school, Ed Stewart taught us about the garden scene where Jesus went to pray before facing his crucifixion, Matthew 26.
Yes, Jesus even prayed when he was sorrowful to the point of death. He instructed his friends to join him in praying. And then he reminded them that watching and praying will help keep him from falling into temptation because the spirit is willing, but the FLESH IS WEAK. Pray. Ask God to help you through this trial.
In the worship center, Pam Pate sang the solo leading us in Lord, your Grace is So Amazing, Wonderful . . .
Then after church we went to the Senior Recognition Banquet at church. Pastor Frank Shimkus told the kids that he truly believed that the upcoming year was going to be under serious attack from Satan. In Luke 22
And I thought, what if all this stuff I'm going through is a Spiritual Battle and I am being tested. If yes, then I am failing.
I know I can depend on God. But I don't know why I can't trust him right now. I feel like I have to face my personal demons and triumph over my fear of confronting Jim instead of simply "trusting" God to take care of all my problems.
I hate the thought of posting this blog, knowing that as my personal journal, it is fine and dandy, but hitting Publish makes my vulnerable thoughts visible to anyone who wishes to see them. But on the other hand, I have never been one to pretend and not be honest. At least I think I haven't. I don't want to put my husband out there in a bad light. Instead, I wish I could communicate that I am afraid to communicate with him. I'm afraid to stand up for myself. I have 50 years of baggage in trying to hide my own wants and needs to please others in hopes of being accepted and loved. I've created this monster of a situation I am in, and he just happens to be the object of something I am personally facing. Same goes for my employment situation. It isn't like my bosses at work are doing anything different than they have always done. It is the way I have allowed myself to view my own role in the master scheme of things. I have created the insecurities I'm dwelling in. It isn't them.
I feel so f-cked up right now.
Song: https://youtu.be/SdIf_SnX70M Published on Nov 13, 2013